video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
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You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.