No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
every single time
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
who did the taste test?