Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
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One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying