SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
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I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
New favorite tiktok
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”