I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
A leaf blower, but for people.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?