Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
You Might Also Like
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
how high up are we talkin’?
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.