If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
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I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
what
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Are you ok, human???
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.