Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
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Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?