*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?