What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
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hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.