The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
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I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I am crying
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
i was baptized in a car wash
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”