[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
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Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.