Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
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Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.