I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
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No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
BRAKING NEWS!!
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Duolingo getting serious.