Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
You Might Also Like
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.