[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
#math
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.