like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
#polloftheday
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL