Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
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IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!