As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
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having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one