I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
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[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
😍😂🥰😂😍
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later: