if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
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Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
finally
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.