Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
You Might Also Like
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.