Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So the ex texted me

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

had to make it

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!