The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
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Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Ain’t no way
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why