I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
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“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
🏙👨🏼
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake