OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
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This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Smells like a challenge to me
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.