The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
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Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.