We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
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“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Not today.. 😂
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”