“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
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*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?