One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
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According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
🙂🐾
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.