Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
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I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
True
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand