I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
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Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.