Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
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Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?