What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
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I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”