“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
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My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Uh oh…
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
<—- homeless romantic
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White