He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
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I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate