[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
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im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
this could fix me
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.