woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
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I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I did not eat the cake…
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
you will never know the true number of layers
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised