Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
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Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while