I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
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Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I did not eat the cake…
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose