my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
He’s cranky this morning
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Air pods looking like an angry frog
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY