I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
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T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”