I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
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Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.