him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
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Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
welp
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird