angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
But is it really??
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
How to properly lift a body
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
what’s more important?