Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
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I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope