[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
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Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
A ghost story
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
This kid is a star!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.