ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
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How animals would run if they were human
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.