Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
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kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
the official breakfast of 2021
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star