Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
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“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.